Names have not been changed, maybe one or two of the people i'm talking about might even see it
<lj-cut text="long post about my feelings and my life, and everyone can see them">
Ok, so I have been told that writing out your thoughts is a good way to come to important conclusions. So here goes nothing… Today is February 3rd, 11 days till the most depressing day of the year, and I’m feeling it pretty bad. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Shannon because she is my capstone partner, and also, I feel comfortable calling her one of my close friends. Which makes having a crush on her particularly irksome. There are so many things that I love about her, that make her just about the most perfect woman I have ever met, but she has this boyfriend. Josh. I’ve only met him once, he’s physically attractive, tall and strong, but he doesn’t seem like a nice guy. Not at all like Shannon. That’s just a first impression, but I stand by it. Everything I know about him is that he is constantly calling Shannon and telling her she shouldn’t do this or shouldn’t do that, and yadayadayada, Shannon does it anyway J. I know he is controlling and jealous, when Shannon is on the phone with him she avoids telling him that she is hanging out with me. Josh lives in Georgia so they don’t see each other often. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has cheated on Shannon, I have no evidence, but he is so worried about Shannon that he could be projecting his infidelity on her. I also wouldn’t be surprised if Shannon has in the past gave him a reason to be jealous. I want to tell her that she deserves someone better than him, but I don’t know if my judgment is being impeded by my feelings for her. If she loves him and he is an ok person, I don’t want her to be unhappy. Also, a few weeks ago I was over at her house and Laura mentioned how she didn’t really like Josh, and it really offended Shannon, I don’t want that to be me. Two days ago I went over to Shannon’s place and we had a few drinks, as usual I was fairly sober (probably just around the limit) but Shannon was definitely drunk. I bring this up because it lead me into a really awkward position. I wish I could say Shannon threw herself at me and I was faced with a moral dilemma, but unfortunately the only dilemma I was faced with that horrible feeling jealousy brings. While Shannon was drunk she decided that she wanted to go down and play videogames in Mitch’s room, I of course followed. There weren’t any seats available and so Shannon very happily climbed into Josh’s (different Josh) lap. And pretty much did the kind of things that I would give anything for, one arm around him, head on his shoulder just typical ways a girl makes a guy go crazy. Josh mentioned that his arm wasn’t feeling good, and Shannon gave him a back rub. Flirting was defiantly in the air. I was seeing red. All I wanted to do scream. But of course I don’t. I just sit there and watch. Josh leaves not that long (might be my imagination but he might have been trying to avoid Shannon’s advances). This Josh is a great guy. He’s nice, smart, and overall a good person. And I was ready to hate him. That makes me feel even worse. I want to tell Shannon how I feel, maybe all she is waiting for is someone to tell her how much they love her, and she will leave the stupid Josh, but my fear is that she has no romantic interest in me whatsoever. Clearly she flirts when she is drunk, and the fact that she wasn’t flirting with me must mean that I am just a friend. It’s even more complicated because regardless of if I tell her how I feel, we are capstone partners, and that means if it gets awkward we need to still be around each other when it would be better to have a day apart. At the end of this semester Shannon is probably going to leave. At the end of next semester I’m going to be leaving. So if I’m going to have any kind of relationship with her, I need to tell her now. And that’s just the girl of my dreams, there is another girl, in my head. Ashley is a girl I get along with well. She is cute too; unfortunately I don’t think we could ever have a long lasting relationship. She is shallow, materialistic, and whinny, (I think it’s all an act, but it’s still I can’t see myself being able to love her). But like I said, she is cute. And what is more, she broke up with her boyfriend, and I have always flirted with her (which she seems to like) but since she broke up with her boyfriend she seems particularly receptive, and reciprocal. I think I had a date with her too. I was in the neighborhood of her work about the time she got off work, so I went in and asked if she wanted to go grab some coffee, she apparently doesn’t drink coffee but did agree to go for a milkshake and some fries. We talked and what not, when the bill came it was clear that she expected me to pay which I did without a problem. The thing is, I’m really lonely, and if I can have any relationship with a girl, even one that I don’t see a long term relationship with, part of me wants to go for it. That could mean I’m shallow. Could mean I’m just ready to not be longing all the time… And as if two girls on my mind wasn’t enough, there is another girl I know. I don’t know what my relationship is with her is. I don’t talk to her often and really everything I know about her is information I have hijacked from her livejournal and myspace. I don’t really know if I was just attracted to her or if it was because I knew she was having a hard time, and I am the kind of person who wants to fix everything. But I KNOW she has a great since of humor, I KNOW she has great taste in music, I KNOW she plays videogames, I KNOW she loves sports, I KNOW she is brilliant (taking calculus for the fun of it…and not low level calc, like multivariable shit), and if being really mathmaticly smart isn’t cool enough, she is a writer, and judging by her LJ and Myspace blogs she is good at it. And it’s not like I am just stalking her on myspace, I do talk to her, and we are friendly. She has a lot of emotional baggage, and I think what she really needs is a friend. And I think that’s all I want in her as well. But I don’t know how to become her friend, I don’t see her that often, and it would be really weird to just show find her and be like “hi, I know we aren’t really friends but I thought you were a lot like me and maybe you want to talk”. So that’s pretty much my world with women right now. A woman I love, a woman I could have a good time with for a few months, and a woman who would almost assuredly be a very close friend… so it’s my move now I guess.
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